SILICON VALLEY — Google is updating its popular Waze navigation app to reroute native-born straight white males through culturally diverse areas. The so-called “diversity routes” will help the advantaged better understand how the rest of America lives.
Google makes employees undergo “unbiasing” training to identify and overcome hidden prejudices. The company is extending this mental reprogramming to its users and will leverage its considerable engineering resources to provide mandatory diversity to those individuals who need a new perspective.
The Waze app itself will be used to determine race. Google will cross-reference the home address listed in the app with U.S. Census Bureau data of where the white people live. Google will also tag anyone who has ever used Waze to travel to a Bass Pro Shop or NASCAR race track.
For users of Android-powered smartphones, Google will secretly take pictures of the driver and use facial recognition software as another method to identify race. This software has mistakenly categorized some humans as gorillas so Google will also look at users’ photo libraries to see if they live in a white person bubble.
As gender identity can be fluid, Google will not rely upon facial recognition software or photo mining. Instead, Google will scrutinize users’ music playlists for those bands that women can’t stand but aging white dudes love such as Rush, Boston, Yes, early Genesis and Pink Floyd.
Users’ apps will also be evaluated to determine gender identity as well as sexual orientation. It will not be assumed that men have downloaded the birth control reminder app myPill or restroom finder app SitOrSquat. It will be assumed that Pinterest or Grindr users are not straight males.
Google will also look at users’ YouTube histories for clips from Jeff Foxworthy or Larry the Cable Guy. Any Google searches for “concealed carry” or “American exceptionalism” will also be flagged.
Phone owners’ names will be compared with state vehicle registration data. Owners of any vehicle glorified in country music such as “my big black jacked up truck rollin’ on 35s” will be marked as native-born straight white males. Owners of 1980s-era Chevy Astro vans will be identified as not born here. Drivers of Mazda Miatas, VW Cabriolets, VW Jettas, VW Beetles or MINI Coopers will be removed as no self-respecting straight white male would be caught dead in those cars.
Under the “enlightened progressives” provision, Google will exempt any native-born straight white males who have Radiohead or Wilco tracks, visited a farmer’s market, hip ethnic restaurant or Planned Parenthood clinic, viewed clips from The Daily Show or Colbert, searched for a local anti-Trump protest march, own a Tesla or work at Google.
The Waze algorithm will determine how much diversity drivers need and reroute them through certain parts of town to provide more cultural exposure. For example, a driver starting from LAX on the way to downtown LA would first go through South Los Angeles then West Hollywood and then East Los Angeles before arriving at his destination.
Google will also integrate this Waze update into its self-driving cars to ensure passengers cannot lock their doors if routed to a diversity area.
If Google determines a driver has ever worn a “Make America Great Again” hat, listened to a song from an artist who performed at the Trump inauguration or downloaded the Breitbart News app, then Waze will punish the driver with extra “Waze lefts.” These panic attack-inducing instructions direct drivers to make unprotected left hand turns across major streets during peak traffic against an endless wave of unyielding jerks.
When selected for a diversity route, the Waze navigation line will change from purple to rainbow color. Impacted users will not be able to refresh the app to get back to a normal route.
It is expected the diversity routes could add an extra hour to travel times. In polling its employees, Google has determined native-born straight white males should be thankful for the opportunity to atone for their inherent privilege.