LOS ANGELES — The Los Angeles County Board of Supervisors has unanimously passed an ordinance to build a “Progressive Mount Rushmore” monument next to the famous Hollywood sign in time for the 2028 Summer Olympics. The initial nine honorees will be Cesar Chavez, W.E.B. Du Bois, Al Gore, The Rev. Martin Luther King Jr., Chelsea Manning, Harvey Milk, Barack Obama, Margaret Sanger and Elizabeth Warren.
The shrines will each be 100 feet tall versus the 45 foot height of the Hollywood sign letters. The Board has determined there is enough space in the Hollywood Hills for up to 20 progressive honorees. If additional space is needed for more honorees, the Hollywood sign will be removed.
“The U.S. has its tribute to privileged males at Mount Rushmore and Los Angeles will have its tribute to pioneering progressives in the Hollywood Hills,” said Los Angeles Mayor Eric Garcetti. Mr. Garcetti attended one of the most exclusive private high schools in Los Angeles, went to an Ivy League university and his daddy was District Attorney.
The monument will be funded by a permanent additional $10 per night hotel room tax in Los Angeles County. According to the Los Angeles Tourism & Convention Board, the county received a record 29.2 million hotel room nights in 2016.
Each tribute will be made of 100% recycled materials including discarded plastic bags and six-pack containers. The structures will be held up by thousands of copies of two intellectually flimsy books that progressives worship but very few have actually read: Capital in the Twenty-First Century by Thomas Piketty and Capital: Critique of Political Economy by Karl Marx.
No fossil fuel powered machinery will be allowed during construction. While wind or solar powered machinery will be permitted, workers will be encouraged to only use hand-held tools as a tribute to the ongoing struggle that is progressivism.
The site workforce must exactly mirror the current racial, gender identity, sexual orientation and country of origin make-up of Los Angeles County. The construction area will also be declared a “sanctuary site” so that undocumented workers can toil away under the glorious Southern California sun without fear of being deported.
On the construction site, workers can only consume organic, non-GMO and fair trade food and beverages. No meat will be allowed because meat stinks. Smoke breaks will be banned and replaced with mandatory consumption of chai tea smoothies with almond milk.
The Board of Supervisors deliberately excluded any native-born straight white males from current and future consideration unless such individuals invented the Internet and have received both a Nobel Peace Prize and Academy Award.
For this reason, many noteworthy progressives will not be honored, including two key architects of the modern welfare state: Presidents Franklin D. Roosevelt (“New Deal”) and Lyndon B. Johnson (“Great Society”). Additionally, labor leaders Eugene Debs and John L. Lewis and Supreme Court Justices Louis Brandeis and Earl Warren will also not be recognized.
The Board of Supervisors considered a waiver for Bernie Sanders. However, the Board could not identify any actual accomplishments during his long life, other than he is in the top 4% of household income earners according to CNBC.
Any individuals who have advocated for progressive causes but have had known associations with Republicans will also be excluded. In 1901, educator and former slave Booker T. Washington became the first African-American to dine at the White House. President Theodore Roosevelt’s action shifted the national conversation about race, but still, Teddy was a Republican, and Booker should have known better.
More recently, Caitlyn Jenner, formerly known as Bruce Jenner, has been an outspoken advocate for transgender issues. However, Caitlyn is a Republican and everyone knows how mean and close-minded those Republicans are.