SACRAMENTO — The California Secretary of State has announced California will remove the grizzly bear as the official state animal. The state is launching a commission to choose a replacement animal more in tune with California’s modern progressive values.
The commission’s number one mandate is choosing a species that has exhibited homosexual behavior. Canadian biologist Bruce Bagemihl’s research has documented homosexual behavior in hundreds of animal species, including mammals, birds, fish, reptiles, amphibians and insects.
The commission must also choose an animal that lives in the state, was not introduced to North America by the white man, is vegan, does not harm the planet, is not part of a patriarchal system and whose mating rituals do not glorify rape culture.
“Yes, 20% of Californians live in poverty, violent crime is up 15% in the last two years and thousands of residents and businesses are fleeing the state. However, creating a commission to choose a more progressive official state animal is the prioritization of government resources that California politicians are known for,” said Alex Padilla, the California Secretary of State.
Two animal species that have displayed homosexual behavior but will be excluded because they do not live in California are giraffes and penguins. Giraffes have been called “especially gay” and Gay Star News has reported that gay sex accounts for 94% of all observed sexual activity in giraffes.
In 2004, two male chinstrap penguins in New York’s Central Park Zoo formed a bond and took turns trying to hatch a rock. A zoo keeper intervened and substituted a fertile egg, and the subsequently hatched chick named Tango was raised by her two dads. While Roy and Silo were never observed in a sexual act, the New York Times referred to them as “gay penguins.”
Other species with documented homosexual behavior will be rejected for different reasons. Horses and chickens will be disqualified as they were brought to North America by white male Europeans. Because California equates carnivorism with colonialism, those animals that like to eat meat, such as foxes, raccoons, dragonflies, mallards, barn owls, sea gulls, snakes and geckos, will also not be eligible.
The new state animal must also have a limited ecological footprint which means cows are out because their methane gas emissions are 86 times more damaging than carbon dioxide. Primates, canines and felines are part of patriarchal systems, so they will also be removed from consideration. The criteria that the official state animal engage in consensual sex will also significantly reduce the eligible pool.
The grizzly bear is being removed as California’s official state animal because while there are plenty of big hairy bears on the prowl in San Francisco, West Hollywood and Palm Springs, actual animal grizzly bears have not been observed living the gay lifestyle. Grizzly bears also technically do not live in California as they have been extinct in the state for nearly 100 years.
An early leading contender to be the new California state animal is the desert tortoise. Desert tortoises have displayed homosexual behavior, live in southeastern California, are indigenous to the state, eat a vegan diet, have a low ecological footprint, are not part of a patriarchal system and engage in mating that is somewhat consensual. As an added bonus, the desert tortoise is already the official state reptile of California.
The California grizzly bear (Ursus californicus) was designated the official state animal in 1953. They once flourished in the state but were driven to extinction by human settlement. The last California grizzly bear was killed in 1922 in Tulare County. In 2016, 53% of Tulare County voted for Donald Trump which just proves some people never learn.