BERKELEY, CALIFORNIA — The University of California, Berkeley has announced it will allow certain individuals to commit legally-sanctioned violence to stop offensive speech.  The school will also allow those individuals to engage in property destruction and vandalism.

The so-called “permissible violence” policy stems from UC Berkeley’s determination that free speech is hostile to certain groups.  To prevent psychological trauma, designated individuals will have the right to offensive self-defense.

The policy is based on police “use of force” doctrine which the International Association of Chiefs of Police defines as the “amount of effort required by police to compel compliance by an unwilling subject.”  It also borrows from “Stand Your Ground” laws in certain states that allow private citizens to use sufficient force to protect and defend themselves or others against threats or perceived threats.

“We want to teach marginalized communities that violence is the answer,” said Janet Napolitano, the President of the University of California and former Secretary of Homeland Security under President Obama.

The policy defines “Privileged Perps” as any native-born straight white males and “Virtuous Victims” as everyone else.  If a Virtuous Victim feels that he/she/ze/zir/hir has been subjugated to injurious speech from a Privileged Perp, then the Virtuous Victim may use sufficient physical force to stop the Privileged Perp’s verbal attack.

UC Berkeley has identified certain subjects as hate speech and automatically harmful to Virtuous Victims, including discussing if affirmative action policies are racist, does a country have the right to protect its borders, has the murder rate of African-Americans increased under Black Lives Matter, does the climate change industry manipulate temperature data, do women suffer under Sharia law or is LGBT studies a real major.

Virtuous Victims may also physically fight back if they feel they have been disrespected, whether it be a perceived slur, an insulting tone or an offensive gesture.   Cultural appropriation — such as native-born straight white males rapping to a Jay-Z song or fist pumping a Steph Curry three from downtown — is also grounds for permitted violence.

If the Privileged Perp is a member of a fraternity, then a Virtuous Victim may add three extra kicks to the groin area to counter the role of fraternities in campus rape culture.

“We are proud that UC Berkeley is home to both the free speech and permissible violence movements,” said Nicholas B. Dirks, the school’s former Chancellor.

Under the policy, campus police will continue to not arrest any Virtuous Victims who engage in physical violence on university grounds.  Privileged Perps cannot sue the university, its police force or Virtuous Victims for medical bills or emotional damages stemming from their injuries.  If incapacitated, Privileged Perps will not be excused from missing any classes.

The policy also allows for the destruction of physical property up to $100,000 per incident.  UC Berkeley has respectfully requested Virtuous Victims take out their justifiable rage on the private property of large multi-national corporations and not university property with the caveat that no one will be in trouble if the ROTC building is burned down again.  If the destroyed property is owned by a company that does not provide generous paid healthcare benefits to all employees, then the limit is doubled to $200,000.

In situations in which a Virtuous Victim feels threatened by the words of a fellow Virtuous Victim, then the Virtuous Victim with the most victim classifications is allowed to use violence.   For example, if debating if individuals who reside in the country illegally should be allowed to attend a taxpayer-funded university at in-state tuition rates, an undocumented straight Hispanic female could assault a native-born gay white male but not the other way around.  In such cases, UC Berkeley has suggested any physical assaults be “dialed down a notch” relative to attacks on Privileged Perps.

Any Virtuous Victim who engages in acts of noble violence will receive an official university commendation that is suitable for framing and praises the student for “fighting the forces of bigotry, privilege, patriarchy and colonialism.”   Such students will also be labeled “Outstanding Upstanders” and receive free tuition, parking and Netflix for a year.

In 2017, gay immigrant conservative commentator Milo Yiannapoulus attempted to speak at UC Berkeley and was met with violent protests that resulted in injuries to Berkeley College Republicans and $100,000 of property damage.  The campus administration cancelled the event and no arrests were made.

Many faculty, students and alumni believe UC Berkeley is an elite university.  According to the Wall Street Journal / Times Higher Education 2017 ranking of U.S. colleges, 39 are better, including three other public universities, three other schools in the Pac-12 conference and five other schools in California.  If UC Berkeley were a country competing in the 2016 Summer Olympics, its number 40 college ranking would equate to Belarus’ medal count ranking.  Belarus is good at men’s trampoline.

A new UC Berkeley policy allows for legally-sanctioned violence against offensive speech
UC Berkeley is home to the “free speech” and “permissible violence” movements
UC Berkeley’s college ranking (40th in the U.S.) equates to Belarus' medal count in the 2016 Summer Olympics

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