Featured Story

San Francisco Designates Union Square As Safe Space

SAN FRANCISCO — The San Francisco Board of Supervisors has unanimously passed an ordinance designating the city’s popular Union Square as a “safe space” in which all city-determined offensive free speech will be banned.  Violators of the ordinance will have to pay a fine and publicly apologize.

Safe spaces originated on college campuses as a place for communities that feel marginalized to congregate free of any opposing viewpoints.  Many universities, including the University of Michigan and University of California, provide safe spaces to protect sensitive students from being exposed to different perspectives.

Union Square is the number one tourist destination in San Francisco and can attract tens of thousands of visitors per day.  New signage will be added throughout Union Square to notify visitors to be careful what they say.

“Union Square visitors can feel safe knowing they will not be exposed to words or ideas that could trigger emotional harm,” said San Francisco Mayor Ed Lee.  “However, we cannot guarantee park visitors’ physical safety from aggressive panhandlers.”

A new police force of Park Compliance (PC) officers will be created to monitor speech.  The “PC Police” will wear special brown shirts to stand apart from the blue uniforms of the San Francisco Police Department.   The speech enforcement officers will also wear “SS” (for Safe Space) badging on their shirt lapels for easy identification.  Luxury fashion house Hugo Boss, which designed uniforms for the National Socialist German Workers’ Party before and during WW II, will create PC Police uniforms that are both stylish and authoritarian.

The PC Police will actively target so-called hate speech.  For example, any park visitors who are overheard not enthusiastically supporting Dreamers, Black Lives Matter or Medicare for All will be deemed as unlawful visitors.  Any public support of border walls, shale fracking, gun owner rights, increased military spending, American exceptionalism or Donald Trump will also be identified as criminal speech.

“I am proud San Francisco is the first major American city to regulate speech in the public square,” said California Lieutenant Governor Gavin Newson (D-San Francisco) who is also a former mayor of San Francisco.

Special listening devices will be added throughout Union Square to assist the PC Police in monitoring all speech, including phone conversations.  Google, Facebook, Twitter and Apple have also agreed to rat out any users who have engaged in non-conforming communication while in Union Square.  The PC Police will also deploy undercover lip readers.

Violators will be issued a misdemeanor and must immediately pay a $500 fine per incident. Due to their inherent privilege, native-born straight white males must pay double.  PC Police will carry devices to accept payment via credit card, debit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay or Venmo.

Visitors cited for incorrect speech must also genuflect in the center of Union Square and say thricely with conviction in their contrition:  “I must do better.  I will do better.”  All apologies will be live streamed on Facebook, YouTube and Twitter.

Any speech violators who refuse to pay the fine or make a public apology will be required to spend the night in Union Square surrounded by hundreds of San Francisco’s finest homeless.

San Francisco has designated Union Square as a “safe space”
New safe space signage to appear in San Francisco’s Union Square
Violators of Union Square’s speech code may have to spend the night with local inhabitants